I lied when I told you I was telling the truth

mdnghtmdnss1111 @ 2006-08-11T01:00:00

2006-08-11T04:40:29Z

errrrrrrrrrg. i want to bite my ass off. i'm sick of binging, purging, fasting, restricting, eating. i think i'm done eating for a while. i just don't even want to think about it. i'm done, and that's all.

mdnghtmdnss1111 @ 2006-07-15T15:15:00

2006-07-15T20:21:28Z

I do get high off of fasting, off of every aspect of my eating disorder. I do rely on it to live and breathe and feel, or rather, not feel. My life has not become unmanigable because of it, no, my life has become unmanigable with out it.

Food gives you pimples. Food gives you fat. Food gives you gas. Food makes your stomach hurt. Food makes your brain foggy. Food makes you feel. Food makes you hurt. Food is evil.

Did anyone see the devil wears prada? talk about triggering.

Oh, recovery. Oh, weight "restoration." You know what? It is NOT "restoration" if you were never that big to begin with. THIS DOES NOT MAKE FUCKING SENSE YOU GAY WHORE BITCHES. CHECK ANY FUCKING BMI THING. I CAN BE 101 AND STILL HEALTHY. NOT SLIGHTLY UNDERWEIGHT. HEALTHY. FUCK YOU ASS SHITS. GO SUCK A LOG OF SHIT.

mdnghtmdnss1111 @ 2006-07-15T15:13:00

2006-07-15T20:15:06Z

I am really depressed right now.
I slept until 1 pm and its a quarter past three now...still not dressed.
I just. Hate myself. Sincerely and extremely.
Ow.
My blood hurts.

TO MRS. HIPPO

2006-07-03T05:23:39Z

Dear Mrs. Hippo,

Please get out of my ass. You really suck, you know? I never wanted you here and so you should leave. How rude of you to invade my body. My stomach, even! My stomach that was always the safest and thinnest part of my body no matter what. Now? Pregnant! Bloated! Hand over the Gas-X! I've asked you nicely before and I am running out of patience. If you don't leave me alone, Mrs. Hippo, I'm going have to call the police. I'll have you arrested for trespassing and maybe even sue you. And you can bet your ass there will be restraining orders, also. Take a hint and leave, Mrs. Hippo. You're not wanted here. Please leave and never come back. It was not nice knowing you.

Sincerely,

Madison Cleary

Pixie Stick

2006-07-02T21:15:39Z

I wake up to the sound of the morning gently calling me. Golden light sparkles through the window, gracefully tiptoeing over my eyelashes and across my smooth, flawless skin. The room is bright and clean. I remove my lush, pillowy blankets and float over to the mirror.

My hair is silky and straight just the way it was the night before. I fix the strap of my lace camisole, it keeps slipping off my tiny shoulder. I examine my legs with pride. Long, thin, and smooth with no hair. They stay the same width, with the exception of my portruding knees, all the way up to my waist and hips. The skin is stretched tight over my hip bones, and faint bruises are visible where the skin is thinnest. My lace camisole floats delicately across my tiny waist. I raise it and reveal every rib and breast bone, and two little rose buds resting humbly upon my chest. I continue my examination up my long, graceful neck to my face, which is small and thin. My cheeks are hollow and my eyes are big, with soft, clear skin stretched tightly over the bridge of my nose. I turn to the side and nearly disappear. A pixie stick immage in the mirror.

When I weigh myself the number seems impossibly low, and I treat myself to a warm cup of black coffee. I sip my coffee from my flowery balcony, gazing out at the calm and peaceful ocean. A soft rain begins to fall from the fluffy gray clouds. I return inside to dress.

Inside my walk in closet is an assortment of beautiful clothing, so many there is no need for "weekend" clothes or clothes to wear if you're having a fat day, which I couldn't even concieve of I hadn't had one in so long. I slipped into a long, gauzy skirt that barely clung to my child-like figure, and a creamy, soft sweater that draped over my sharp shoulders and long, lean torso. I slipped an old pearl neclace over my head and decided on small, white sandals to slide across my boney feet.

After one last glance in the mirror, I leave the house to meet my boyfriend at the beach where we then endured and endless make out session.

i hate this

2006-07-02T20:33:23Z

I hate recovering. I hate it. I never wanted it in the first place. ERRRR!!!! I hate feeling pregnant. I hate having thighs and an ass. I hate wearing sweats all the time and not being able to swim. I put on almost TEN FUCKING POUNDS in less than a month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to die.

I do. I really, really do. This isn't working and I hate this. No, they don't know what they're talking about. My eating disorder isn't my way of coping or communicating my problems because for me it really IS about the food and my weight and body image and for me, thin=happy. I pretty much get high THINKING of fasting.

I know, it's not healthy. But it's not unhealthy. I mean, I never took it to the extreme. I knew how to stop myself and I did. I lost 5 lbs and maintained it for almost 6 months. Isn't that normal? Isn't that what healthy people do? Lose a little weight and then stop?

Maybe it's not normal, but maybe that's what works for me. I know I don't make any sense. But. It does to me. There was never a voice in my head telling me not to eat. I never had an "Ed" or an "Ana" in my head. It was me being thin and happy. Bones are beauty. Beauty is bliss. That's the way it's suppossed to be, I know it is. For now. Just. Let me finish this.

I think you have to hit rock bottom in order to want to recover and I think that's what I'm missing. Plus if I hit rock bottom than everyone would realize how healthy I am in comparisson. Oh, this was supposed to be THE summer. I would be working out because I have so much time and hardly eating because no one would notice and I'd go back to school lean and toned and happy. I hate that they've taken that away from me. I hate it with so much rage I just can't do this. I don't want to live.

I want to fly. Away. Mend my broken wings and float above the clouds.

mdnghtmdnss1111 @ 2006-06-18T22:59:00

2006-06-19T04:00:28Z

i have purchased a scale!!!!!!!!! fuck yeah.

i survived

2006-06-13T03:54:33Z

SO FAR.

It wasn't thaaaaaat bad. Only you're not allowed to chew gum, have bottled water, flush the toilet for 1 hour after meals, excersize, have caffiene, consume anything diet, light, or reduced or low fat, etc. It's bullshit. I chewed gum the whole fucking time.

This morning I did a 1111 and took a couple green tea pills to prep my metabolism for lard overdosages.

Since it was my first day I "had breakfast at home" and then at lunch they gave me grilled cheese, carrots, an apple, two cookies, and milk. But since I'm a newb I get a little slack in not eating all my shit. At first I wouldn't touch it, cuz its narsty hospital "food" but then they pulled me out in the hall and yelled at me cuz I was "triggering" others by not eating. So I went back in and ate the cookies and the carrot sticks just to piss them off and confuse them.

Snack was optional. So I opted out. Durrrr...

Dinner they gave me a veggie burger (with a bun...and cheese) milk, a banana that looked like a giant dick, peanut butter, and peas. I ate the veggie burger with the bun :-O but I peeled off the plastic-y cheese without anyone noticing (SCORE), and the peas. I even had a little peanut butter. But I could not force myself to consume the penis.

My strategy is to eat most everything they give me and try to convince them that I'm fine so I can get out ASAP. We shall see though. My mom knows all the rules and whatever so I can't very well just go out running or excersizing when she's around. Ohh well. I have my green tea and my sit-ups and I can lose it all before school roles around again. No, I don't want to get better, atleast NOT YET.

I'm pretty much the youngest one there. Everyone else is atleast 20 except for one girl who's 16 and one who's 18. There's even a woman with 3 young children, and another woman with an oldest child who is 19! Everyone smokes durring the break and drives themselves to and from the hospital and talks about college and I'm like...a young little dependant loser. Another thing is since they're all old they're mostly there because they WANT to recover. Not against their will or anything. This one girl is beautifully thin, that perfect balance between not being concentration camp skeleton-y while still being a tiny pixie. And she has gorgeous large eyes, and cheek bones and everything. Someday I might...

caffiene free diet coke contains potassium benzoate...yum

2006-06-12T03:35:43Z

i feel all lost and newbie-ish. i've been 'underground' for so long. i can't wait to finally stretch my wings after all this time. just hold out a little longer, one week maybe, and then we can catch our breath. regain our balance. spread the wings. fly. away.

TOMORROW!!!!

2006-06-12T03:00:54Z

tomorrow I'm starting a partial hospitalization program for eating disorders!!!!!!!! FUCK! cuz...

-All three meals are consumed and carefully monitered there.

-It is 9 hours long, from 9 am to 6 pm (yay sunlight.)

-They weigh you but OF COURSE you are not allowed to see.

-family therapy. WHOOP DEE DOO.

-THEY'RE GONNA MAKE ME A FUCKING LARD HOG.

-also, they suck your blood so you can't get away with ANYTHING.

As soon as I get out, I'm fasting it allllll off. Everyday I'm going to to two 11,11's. And OD on green tea pills. And cry.

*Note: an 11,11 is 1000 jump ropes (i have the type that counts!)+ 100 situps + 10 push ups + 1 mile run/walk. equals....1111. yay. can you tell i made it up?